The Nyazian Prophecies

"I'd like to propose a toast," Jamie announced proudly, raising his can of Coke. "I didn't think we would be able to do it, but we did. Our first day of business. I think we've proved that we can succeed in this dog-eat-dog world of selling comic books and comic book merchandise." He turned to Andrew. "I would like to thank my business partner, the wonderful Andrew Gillespie Wells... Please don't make me regret handing over my trust fund."

Andrew smiled at Jamie, nodding. "Beautiful, dude. Just... Beautiful." He put a hand to his heart. "Got me right here."

"I know. I can get really emotional." Jamie took a sip of soda, sighing. He and Andrew were sitting alone on the counter in Flying Demon Monkeys. The lights were off and they both looked exhausted. "So where are our friends when I'm getting all emotional?"

Andrew shrugged. "No clue." He then looked bashful. "I think Connor and Salome might be..."

Andrew nodded in affirmative. "Totally." He then sighed, a look of longing in his eyes. "I wish I had Salome's relationship."

Realizing what he had just said, Andrew sat up very straight, looking stricken. "I mean... I wish I had what Connor and Salome have. With a girl. A hot girl. You know, they're so happy together. Like nothing could ever tear them apart..."

Salome strode ahead of Connor, rolling her eyes. She made her way towards the exit of the graveyard. "I really don't see what the problem is, Connor!"

Connor sped up, getting ahead of Salome. He had to quickly dodge to get out of the way of a tombstone. "It wasn't cool, Salome. I had the vamp."

"And I killed it!" Salome snapped. She hopped over an open grave so she could get a lead on Connor. "Why is there a deal? Who cares who stuck him? The point is he's dust. "

"I don't want you to use your crazy power to bail me out of a situation I was handling fine!" Connor harshly replied. "You were just trying to show me up!"

"Excuse me?" Salome got ahead of Connor and came to a stop, turning to face him. She held her hands out to halt him. "Don't think I heard you right. My crazy powers..." She nodded slowly. "All right, then... So just how are my powers crazy?"

It was Connor's turn to roll his eyes. "Um... Let me think..." He began to tick off on his fingers. "Magda was dusting and you ended up in San Francisco.... Andrew dropped the pepper and you ended up in Oakland... Jamie broke open a pillow and you ended up in Pylea..."

Connor shook his head, furrowing his brow. "Do I even need to mention what happened when we were in bed?"

Salome glared venomously at Connor. "Considering the likelihood of you getting laid ever again is very slim, I don't think it's necessary." She crossed her arms over her chest. "What is the problem with me teleporting to fight bad guys?"

Connor jerked a thumb towards himself. "I'm in charge around here. The Council said so."

Salome put her hands on her hips. "Just because your daddy made you King of the Hellmouth doesn't mean I'm going to stop doing my thing just because you're feeling a little skittish."

Connor grit his teeth and shook his head, pushing past Salome. "I just love patrolling with you."

"I know!" Salome clutched her chest, swooning. "It just makes me all warm and gooey inside."

Andrew sighed. "Those two are really lucky to have found someone they love and trust to work with. I want that."

Jamie nodded. "Yeah. I know." He sighed deeply, shaking his head furiously before hopping off the counter. "You know, I'm sick of this. You and I are two young, studly, demon hunting, successful businessmen." He pounded a fist on his chest. "Any woman would be lucky to have us. We just need to go out there and show them we're ready for love!"

Andrew jumped up. "Yeah! We just need to get out there and mix it up! Show those ladies we're two wild and crazy guys!"

Jamie nodded. "Damn right! We're bachelors on the prowl! We've got to go prowl!"

"Right!" Andrew joined Jamie's enthusiastic nodding. After a moment, they both realized they weren't moving towards the door.

They quieted down, shifting awkwardly. Andrew finally looked up at Jamie, shrugging. "Wanna go home and fire up the Playstation?"


Vincent Kartheiser	Anna Paquin	Bret Harrison	Kou Shibasaki	and Tom Lenk

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Based on the Characters by Joss Whedon	Created by Emcee

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Special Guest Star

Andy Hallett

Seth Green
as Oz

Guest Starring

Rhona Mitra
James C. Leary
Allison Mack
Nicole DeBoer
Christopher Khayman Lee

Written by

Emcee

"Get the schoolgirl!" Andrew shouted, pointing at the television. "Over there! By the basketball net."

Oni wandered into the living room. She sat down on the couch behind the two boys who were sitting cross-legged on the floor. She cocked her head in curiosity as she studied the screen. "If you do not mind me inquiring... What is the point of this electronic diversion?"

Jamie gesticulated with the remote in vain hope of making the game go faster. "You have to roll up stuff with the big ball."

Andrew turned back, giving Oni a bashful smile. "Actually, that's pretty much all you do."

Andrew looked up at Oni, shrugging. "Well? What do you suggest we do? You missed our big toast to open the store."

"I deeply apologize for that." Oni placed a hand on Andrew's shoulder. "I was providing moral support to Sophie while she urinated onto the little plastic stick to see if she was carrying Clem's offspring."

"So is there going to be a floppy-skinned little kid coming soon?" Jamie asked as he pressed the joysticks.

Oni nodded. "The results were indeed positive. I am quite eager to watch Sophie's progress as she goes through her first trimester."

"Mazel tov!" Jamie said. He then threw down the controller. "Dammit. Didn't get it."

Oni pursed her lips as she watched the pair fight over the controller. "I have been led to believe males who are unattached routinely go out to perform nocturnal mating rituals at meeting places with loud music and copious amounts of alcohol. Why do you two instead remain inside playing repetitive electronic games?"

Jamie gestured to himself. "Geek. Geek like games. Geek afraid of girls. Girls afraid of geek."

Oni knelt between Jamie and Andrew. "That is just fallacious. I believe there are many of my gender who would like to associate with interesting individuals such as you two."

Andrew nudged Oni. "You're a doll. But..." He shook his head. "That's not really true."

Oni patted both Andrew and Jamie on the shoulders, before jumping to her feet and turning off the television. They both whined as the screen went black. "What did you do that for?" Jamie complained. "Andrew's been at the store all day and whenever I wasn't in class, I was working my tail off! Come on, we deserve some fun time!"

Oni nodded. "I concur. However, I believe we should go out and associate with other biological entities. It will be most entertaining."

Andrew shook his head. "No way... There's nothing you can say that will convince me to go out."

Andrew looked at Jamie. They nodded and got to their feet. "All right..." Jamie said slowly. "But if I don't meet a girl, you have to make out with me."

"Come on." Oni smiled brightly. "Perhaps we can meet up with Connor and Salome. They will no doubt be looking to unwind after fighting evil."

Connor leaned against the bar, rubbing his temples hard. "I'm a bit confused, Salome... When did you become insane ?"

Salome shook the shaker in her hands violently. "About the same time you became a complete and utter jackass!"

Oni, Andrew and Jamie stood in the doorway. They gaped at Connor and Salome in shock as the couple yelled at each other.

They were not the only ones. Most of the patrons stared at the couple. Those who didn't were inching towards the door as discreetly as possible.

Lorne, who looked paler than usual, put his hands on Salome's shoulders, trying to halt her. "Orchid... Jimmy asked for his martini shaken, not pulverized."

Salome glared at her boss, who quickly backed off. He ran over to the newly arrived trio. "You have to get them out of here!" Lorne hissed. "They're scaring off my clientele!" He grabbed onto Chico as he tried to sneak out. "Hold it. I need you to take over for Salome. Sid and Nancy are testing the limits of my Sanctorum spell."

"I can't believe you!" Connor shouted. "I had an easier time talking to the Cryal Beast on Quortoth and it tried to eat my head!"

"Shame it didn't succeed!" Salome yelled back, slamming down the shaker. "I don't know what you're problem is, Connor!"

Salome looked livid as she began to rant in a complicated demonic tongue. Oni pulled back, shocked.

Oni shrugged. "I am used to the ancient Gushundi used in the Prophecies. Salome is using a modernized syntax. However, I believe she just said something about fornicating pigs and..." She winced. "Politeness dictates I do not translate what she is saying." She turned red. "It would be a very liberal interpretation anyway."

"Shut up, Andrew!" Salome and Connor yelled together as they continued to glare at each other.

Connor leaned in close to Salome. "If you want to teleport, teleport . In fact, why don't you use that great new power of yours to get as far away from me as possible? I don't need you getting in the way of my work any longer."

Salome went very quiet and calm. She nodded. "All right, if that's how you feel..." She took the top off her shaker and threw the drink in Connor's face. She smiled at her boyfriend. "You can patrol on your own from now on."

Connor spat out a mouthful of vodka before grabbing a napkin and wiping down his face. "Nice, Sal. Real nice." He turned and stalked up to his friends. He smiled tightly. "I'm going to marry that girl someday."

Oni gave Connor a weak smile. "On the optimistic side... You have become very adept at sarcasm."

Andrew looked worriedly at Connor. "What's going on? Why are you two... Are you breaking up?"

Connor shook his head. "Salome just forgot who saved her life all of last year." He raised his voice as he reached the end of the sentence.

All eyes turned to the new arrival. He stood in the doorway, a small black-haired man. Connor blinked. "Oz?"

Oz looked around the club, which was nearly empty. "Passing through town. Thought I'd drop by."

"I could tell by the warm greeting," Jamie replied. "Please. You two are getting way too emotional."

"Oz, this is Jamie, Oni, Andrew and Lorne," Connor gestured to everyone in turn. "I told you about them. Guys, this is Oz."

"Oz?" Salome jumped the bar, striding up to the gang. She and Connor glared at each other for a moment. "As in Willow's..." She frowned. "Honestly, I don't know what you are to Willow."

"Well, she talked about you a lot." Salome shook his hand. "Since Connor has decided to be completely rude, I'm Salome."

Connor shrugged, running a hand through his still wet hair. "I just didn't think you would want to meet new people while you were in the middle of your meltdown."

"Hey, hey, hey!" Lorne got between Connor and Salome, putting his arms around their shoulders. "Caritas means Mercy... Please show us some. Now we're all going to sit down. Chico will make us a couple of drinks and we'll welcome Oz to the Hellmouth."

"Are you sure?" Connor muttered. "You might end up throwing a drink in someone else's face."

Salome glared at her boyfriend. "Oh baby... That's just special for you." She blew him a kiss.

"You're off tonight," Lorne said sharply. He gave her a stern look. "I love you, but if you and your boy can't keep your spats out of my bar, I'm going to have to attempt threatening."

"No." Connor shook his head. "It's fine." He gestured for Oz to sit down at a table. "How are the girls doing?"

"The Slayers in Los Angeles. There's about a dozen of them," Connor explained. "Oz here looks after them. The hotel working out all right?"

Oz nodded. "We just opened up the pool." He furrowed his brow. "But we still get people looking for spiritual guidance."

"So why are you passing through town?" Andrew asked. He looked vaguely worried. "Is there trouble?"

"Oz runs Sweet J Records," Connor explained. He furrowed his brow. "That is the business you meant, right?"

Oz nodded. "I got a demo from some guy. Michael O'Rourke. It's him and his girlfriend. He asked me to meet them here."

"Micky's human," Lorne said, putting his hands on Salome's shoulders. "A grad student with a sweet home recording studio. He's come in a couple of times to record some of my shows. Good kid."

"So you came all this way to hear some singer?" Jamie arched a brow. "From LA? That's a long..." His eyes widened. "Humanna..."

A dark-haired woman had just come through the door. She was very beautiful, with pale skin and dark eyes. She strode in with an air of confidence.

Chico smiled at the woman as he wiped down the bar. "Welcome to Caritas. What can I--"

Jamie jumped to his feet, racing to the bar. He skidded to a halt next to the woman. "I can handle this, Chico." He gave her a goofy grin. "Hi. The name's Black. James Black." He held out his hand. "I'm friends with the owner."

The woman laughed softly, holding out her hand. "I'm Siobhan Sullivan. I'm looking for someone." She had a gentle Irish lilt to her voice.

"You're cute." Siobhan laughed. "I'm looking for someone specific. Daniel Osbourne."

Oz got up, ambling towards the bar, hands in his pockets. "That's me." He held out his hand. "It's Oz."

Siobhan shrugged. "I don't know what happened to Micky. He was supposed to pick me up, but I guess he flaked."

"He flaked?" Jamie shook his head, tutting softly. "That's horrible. And on your big day. You should dump him."

Siobhan gave Jamie a friendly smile. "I'll keep that in mind." She turned to Oz. "I'm really sorry. When he's locked in the studio, he loses track of time."

"It's all right," Oz replied. "Let's sit down and talk." He gestured to the table the others sat at.

"I didn't mention the girls when we talked because I knew you'd be like this!" Connor sighed, exasperated.

Oz put a hand on Siobhan's shoulder, leading her to a table in the corner, the farthest away from Connor and Salome. "Maybe over here."

"Your fighting scared off Oz and Siobhan... Who, if you haven't noticed, is a really hot woman." He shook his head. "Not all of us are blessed with live-in girlfriends."

"Well..." Jamie shrugged. "Maybe if she talked to me she'd discover I'm the perfect guy and dump the other guy." He looked around at his incredulous friends. "What? It could happen!"

Connor got to his feet. He gave Jamie a pat on the shoulder. "Just watch out. They seem all great and hot at first, but soon enough..."

Oz and Siobhan strode up to the table. "Hey Lorne." Oz gestured to the stage. "You're set up for singing. Can Siobhan give me a demo?"

Lorne ignore Oz and put an arm around Siobhan's shoulders. "Come on, sweetness. Let's get you famous."

As Lorne got Siobhan up onto the stage, Clem ran in, flabby arms in the air. "She's pregnant! She's pregnant! She's pregnant! " He pumped his fists. "Drinks all around!"

He frowned as he looked around the nearly empty bar. "Wait... You're not closed tonight, are you?"

"We're wide open," Lorne called from the stage as he programmed the karaoke machine. "Just having some technical difficulties."

Chico pointed to Connor and Salome before rotating his finger beside his head to indicate insanity. He then began to mime choking himself.

Siobhan took up the microphone. She looked down at Oz, her cheeks red. "Okay... Don't judge too harsh. I'm much better with Mick backing me."

The music started and Siobhan swung her hips getting into the beat before she began to sing. " I want you to know that I'm happy for you... I wish nothing but the best for you both... An older version of me... Is she as perverted as me... Would she go down on you in a theater? Does she speak eloquently... And would she have your baby... I'm sure she would make a really excellent mother..."

"She's good," Jamie said quietly, standing beside Oz. "Don't you think she's good?"

"Cause the love that you gave that we mad... Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no... And every time you speak her name... Does she know how you told me you'd hold me... Until you died 'til you died... But you're still alive."

Connor looked to Salome. He studied her face. She was intently watching Siobhan. He licked his lips slowly, reaching out. He was about to touch her hand when he pulled back. "What do you think, Lorne?" He looked to the empath demon.

Lorne shrugged. "Well... It could be pretentious pseudo-angst popular with twentysomething alternative artists..." He cast a glance to Salome. "Or maybe I'm just getting my wires crossed."

Connor frowned deeply. "But she's good." He looked quickly at Salome. "...Hot too."

Jamie arched a brow, looking over at Salome. "Oh yeah... Symmetrical girls are the worst ."

" And I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away. It's not fair to deny me of the cross I bare that you gave to me... You, you, you oughta know."

Andrew sighed as he walked ahead of Connor and Salome into Lamia house. He dropped his coat haphazardly, sighing deeply.

"I'm completely allowed to think she's not attractive," Salome snapped. "And it doesn't have to be about you ." Salome shook her head savagely. "Contrary to your self-involved outlook, not every waking minute of my life is dedicated to clinging onto you."

Connor shrugged. "I just think you feel threatened." He remained casual. "I mean... Okay, she's really beautiful and talented." He gave Salome a patronizing pat on the shoulder. "But hey... Demon fighting's tough. You can't waste your time making yourself pretty."

Andrew put a hand to his forehead, rubbing his temples. "I'm so glad I decided not to toast Clem with Lorne and Oni or join Oz and Siobhan to meet Micky... This is... Much better."

"I'm going to bed." Salome muttered. "Do you know where Magda keeps the spare sheets?"

Salome started up the stairs. " Of course I'm sleeping in our room." Salome turned back, glaring at him. "You're the one acting like an ass, you're the one getting turfed out."

"What's going on?" Andrew asked quietly. "I know you like being confrontational and moody... But you're really lucky she didn't just vaporize you."

Connor leaned against the wall, sighing deeply. "This is harder than I thought."

Connor looked up at Andrew. He was about to say something, when his cellphone rang. He looked relieved as he answered it. "Yeah?" His look immediately darkened as he listened. "Yeah. We'll be there in a minute." He closed the phone and put it back in his pocket. "We've got work."

Jamie put an arm around Siobhan's shoulders. He looked relieved as Connor and Andrew strode into the apartment. "I'm glad you guys are here."

"What happened?" Andrew asked, looking around the apartment, which looked more like a makeshift music studio with lots of speakers, mixing boards and instruments strewn all over the living room.

Jamie gestured to the body in the middle of the floor. Siobhan let out a soft cry and buried her face in Jamie's shoulder. "We found out why Micky didn't show up."

Andrew knelt down beside the body. "I don't get it." He looked up at Jamie, Oz and Siobhan. "Why'd you call us and not an ambulance?"